By Sebastian Fortino

 

Characters: Donald Trump (DT), Chris Christie  (CC), Paul LePage   (PL), Herman Cain  (HC) They are all wearing navy suits with red ties & white button down shirts.

[we hear the oceanside sound effects; we hear them talking, coming in offstage]

 

PART ONE.

Donald

Listen, all we gotta do — this, this’ll be fantastic — look, I know business, I know how we make it work. We default on all our bills. We change a few account numbers. We refuse to pay contractors. We file for bankruptcy. [gestures] We walk away with maybe a couple hundred-thou each.  

Chris Christie

We can’t do that Donald.

DT

Excuse me?

CC

Mr. Trump.

DT

That’s better.

CC

We can’t do that Mr. Trump, none’a the funds are in our names. Fox is payin’ for this reality show. Fox was afraid you’d try that.

DT

That’s right, that’s right…what if I sign it all over to my beautiful daughter for a dollar and she calls up some illegals? [crossed arms, puts chin in hand] Doesn’t, doesn’t that sound like a fabulous idea? My beautiful daughter Ivanka…you know if I wasn’t her father I woulda’ banged her when she was 18?

CC

We can’t! And please…stop talkin’ about your daughter like that! I’ve heard enough.

Paul LePage

Besides you don’t fuckin’ own all of the Atlantic City Boardwalk! You don’t even own this building.

DT

I don’t? [others shake heads, say no, etc.] If I buy all of Atlantic City Boardwalk, I can bankrupt it, sell it to the Chinese? Think about it people. Am I right? [arms] I gotta get Melania on that. [scratches chin] [screams] Melania! Melania!

PL

My wife isn’t here. Your wife isn’t here.

CC

Mine is home too, we gotta to do this solo, pal.

DT

Excuse me…

CC [looks sad, walks away, whispers]

Mr. Trump.

PL [shakes head, walks over to DT, whispers]

Hey, hey, Donald. Let the kid call you Donald. [gestures] Just while we’re on the job together. Make you feel comfortable, he’ll call you Mr. Trump back at the beach house.

CC [making happy, little boy reaction]

Oh, golly? Can I? Really Mr. Trump?

DT

All right. Why not. He did do some pretty spectacular work with that bridge business.

PL

Yes, he did. But we got more important things to worry about.

DT

I know, like, think about it? Who makes pizza? Mexicans, pizza’s Mexican, right? Anyone’a you guys know how to make a friggin’ pizza?

PL

I don’t know how to make’a fuckin’ pizza…my family’s French-Canadian. I can make poutine.

DT [annoyed]

Hey, my relationship with Mr. Putin is not top-secret. It just happens to be highly private, classified, and confidential. [shakes head] Why, why is it so wrong my daughter goes on vacation with Putin’s ladyfriend?

CC

Nobody’s talkin’ about Putin! He meant French fries covered in gravy and cheese curds.

DT

Oh. That sounds terrible, really disgusting, just disgusting. [shakes head] Who, who knows how to make pizza?

PL

I’d say [looking at CC] the kid over there…he looks like he knows how to make a pizza.

CC

Whoa, whoa, pal! I don’t know how to make no pizza!

DT

Why not, you’re fat?

CC

Just because I’m fat Donald, doesn’t mean I know how to make no pizza! [shakes head] I’m the governor of the greatest state in America.

DT

Ok, Ok. Before we even worry about the pizza, I was thinking, we should probably name this place something. Maybe…maybe we should go with, I don’t know. Maybe, maybe Trump’s “Most-Amazing-Pizza-Place-in-the-World, Believe Me, Whadda’ya Got to Lose Pizza.”

CC

No way, Donald. Why’s your name gonna be on it? We’re in this together!

PL

Yeah, Donald, we’re a team.

DT

See, I like to name all my businesses after my name, and words…words I like. I know the best words, believe you me. For instance, when I named Trump Taj Mahal I was thinking for a long time about how much I’d like to put Ivana in a tomb, but, a really, really, stunning, classy tomb.

CC

What about Trump Tower?

DT

I was thinking about my junk. [grabs crotch] You know, my tower. [sighs] If Ivanka wasn’t my daughter…

PL

Enough, enough with your damn daughter! Now look, we need to do this as a team. Like a Canadian, I mean, I mean an American hockey team. We gotta come together on a name. [looks at CC] You in it to win it kid?

CC

Yes I am, sir!

PL

We gotta think of a name we all like. Say, Donald, you like words, we like words. We all use a lotta words strung together which the goddamned Democrats say make no kinda sense.

DT

I see what you’re sayin,’ Paul. It’s like, like we’d be doing something radical, something different. Not like real politicians with their fancy, out-of-touch political science or legal degrees. [ponders idea] We’ll each…you know, come up with a word we like. Then, we’ll put’em together. What, what words do we all like?

CC

Hey, I have a political science degree, and a legal degree, Donald.

DT

Sure ya’do kid, sure’ya do, and I pay my contractors. Look, let’s think. It’s — it’s gotta be something catchy.

 

PART TWO.

 

PL

Something catchy, huh?

 

DT

Yup, something catchy. Somethin’ people are gonna remember. A word you really like…

 

PL

If I had to think of a word I liked, I’d say, well…I’d say “Cocksucker.” It’s a noun and can be an adjective, or an adverb.

CC

I don’t know — that might chase away the families with kids!

PL & DT [look at CC, say in unison]

Good.

CC [looks sad]

DT

Hey, other than Trump, I think my favorite word is Fabulous.

PL

I don’t know Donald. [shakes head] You say fabulous you’re gonna get’em gays in here. Then, after the gays, you’re gonna get them transgenders goin’ into the bathroom.

DT

Ah, you’re a smart guy Paul, smart guy. Maybe the smartest guy to come outta Maine. You’re brilliant. Just amazing. I know. I know brilliant. [pauses to think] How about another favorite word? Fantastic? Fantastic, it’s a fantastic word.

CC [smiles like a little boy, happy, claps hands]

I love it!

DT

So, we got fantastic, and cocksucker. What about you kid? [walks over to CC, puts his arm around shoulder like a kid] Whadda’ you say? What’s your favorite word?

CC

I’d have to say my favorite word is pizza! So that means we’ll call it…

[they all gather in center of stage, give a high-five]

FANTASTIC COCKSUCKER PIZZA!

DT

There’s only one thing we haven’t figured out!

CC

Who is gonna make the pizzas?

DT

Mexicans?

PL

Well, legal ones, yeah.

DT

So no, can’t do that. Wait…wait a minute! I gotta guy. I got just the right guy!

[stage goes dark]

 

PART THREE.

[same summery music, same background ocean noises; Donald Trump, Paul LePage & Herman Cain are all wearing navy suits, and red ties; they have tee shirts or aprons over their suits which say “Fantastic Cocksucker Pizza;” we can blur this out physically or via photoshop.]

Donald Trump

I gotta tell you Herman, my African-American, you…you know how to make a damn good pizza. The best. Simply the most fantastic pizza I have ever tasted in my entire life. Simply amazing people, simply amazing. I know pizza, pizza and I get along very well. [takes bite] It’s delicious, and you’re black.

Herman Cain

Oh, Donald, Paul — come on guys. This was great for me too. All I do is sit at home reading tweets from ignorant people who think I’m Ben Carson. When you said, “Come on, come to Atlantic City, we want you to show us how to run a pizza business. The GOP needs you,” it was like well, guys, like [tearing up] like bitin’ into that first slice from your first pie!

DT

Herman, Herman, my African-American pizza maker, you really knocked it outta the ballpark, like Jackie Robinson. Everyone loves our pizza, thanks to you.

Paul LePage

There’s no way we coulda’ done this. Fantastic Cocksucker Pizza has taken the beach by storm, LIKE HURRICANE SANDY!!! And, and we work so well together, we work so hard, even if one of us ain’t white! Ah, you’re one’a the good ones, Herman. [patting his back] You, the godfather of pizza [all laugh] teaching us everything. Donald here, managing the books and inventory, me doing sales, and the kid out delivering pizzas. We’re a dream team! [tears up]

[phone rings]

PL

Oh, well, you know the deal, I gotta get the phone. [pats both men on back] We’re like brothers!

PL [at phone, answers]

Hello, Fantastic Cocksucker’s, Governor Paul LePage speaking. How can I help you today? First time calling? Sure, I’ll tell’ya what we got. We’re all family here at Fantastic Cocksucker Pizza.

We got a delicious, traditional cheese pizza, it’s called “The Single Mother,” that’s an 18-in-pizza which we deliver with a large side of Italian dressing so you can supplement the pizza with that ninety-nine-cent head of iceberg you’ll tell the kids you “need to use up.” Please note: No, we don’t take food stamps.

We got the “Fuckin’ Pepperoni Pizza” which [pauses] Excuse me? No, that’s the name of the pizza. Why? Because, cocksucker, It’s a fuckin’ pepperoni pizza? Yeah, ma’am then I was insultin’ you!

OK, we got the “Communist Cocksucker Bernie Sanders Pizza,” that’s a whole wheat crust, local organic tomatoes, local organic mushrooms, handmade Vermont mozzarella. Upon delivery the delivery kid will call you a communist and tell your neighbors you’re a transgender.

We have the “TrumPutin Pizza.” This is a thin crust pizza, very delicate, easily breaks. It’s loaded with a sauce made from tomatoes grown in the Kremlin greenhouse, caviar from Russia, foie gras from Long Island Sound, wheat grown on top of Trump Tower, and the world’s most expensive cheese, a Serbian donkey milk cheese. It tastes decadent, and quite frankly horrible. It will cost you a one-bedroom condo in a Trump building…that’s if you’re white. What? Oh, if you’re not white we’re fresh out.       

We also gotta’ “Halal Pizza.” That’s a “Fuckin’ Pepperoni Pizza” but, if you refuse to eat it, the CIA will burst through your backdoor and interrogate you for sixteen hours.

We got the “Crooked Hillary,” that’s any of our pizzas. We then charge you a sixty-percent surcharge, we put it in a box, then our delivery kid carries it under his arm like a purse.    

OK, you’ll have one Mother, a Pepperoni, and one Halal for your neighbors the al Fussain family in the downstairs unit. Got it! Don’t worry, Fantastic Cocksucker Pizza always arrives within thirty minutes.

[hangs up; scene ends]

 

PART FOUR.

 

Herman Cain

You threw down, you are top of your game, Paul. But just, I just wonder, how’s the kid doin out there?

DT

Oh, we really turned Chrissy the Kid around. He does all the deliveries by hand, on foot.

PL

It’s so cute. We put that fat little bastard on roller skates.

HC

Roller skates?

PL

Yup, and you won’t believe how much he loves it! The first few days we had to drag his ass up to the top of a slide in the kiddie park, then shoot him down, let the inertia take’im flying up the boardwalk until he got control. What a fuckin’ sight to see but, ever since then, he’s been skatin’ like a regular homo on ice.

[we hear the sound of roller skates, the ocean sounds, etc.; then…]

DT

Oh, I think I hear him…you know, I might just raise his allowance. [smiles, shakes head] He’s just so sweet. I think I love’im as much as Ivanka. Except, you know, I don’t want to bang him.

PL [rolling eyes]

Anyway. Yeah, that’s him.

CC [excited, skates into the kitchen, rolls offstage into another direction, we hear plates, boxes, etc., fall as he crashes]

HC

Is the kid all right?

CC [shouts from offstage]

I’m fine! That’s how I stop. [comes out, covered in flour] Gettin’ started, no problem. Stopping, that’s tricky.

PL

You’re gettin’ better, kid. You’re less and less stupid everyday.

DT

Kid’s fine, kid’s fine.

HC

Well, I don’t have any concern with your current operation. It’s just, we gotta meet quota for FoxNews — it’s been six days. If we don’t meet quota that’s it, challenge over. We gotta sell another couple hundred pies in twenty-four hours. I just don’t think we can meet the challenge.

DT

Should we raise prices?

HC

No, no…this isn’t the kind of business you can really raise prices. What, what do you think we could do?

PL

Should we get on the Twitter?

DT

No, no, we’re on the Twitter. I tweeted this about 30 minutes ago, “You better come down to hashtag FantasticCockSuckerPizza it’s the best. See if Crooked Hillary makes a better pizza. She can’t. I know. Believe me.”

HC [thinking]

You need to focus on your foot traffic. We gotta get people into the store. We gotta get them onto the boardwalk in greater numbers. Then divert traffic into our store.

PL [shakes head]

I mean, I could go out there, call everybody who doesn’t come in a cocksucker socialist.

HC

That didn’t work yesterday, not that well…

CC [thinking]

Hey, I got some ideas. I got a big, big idea.

HC

What would that be?

CC

Oh, I can’t tell you, nope. Top secret governor of New Jersey stuff. Lemme work my governor of Jersey magic!

DT

Hey kid, if you really think it could work…

PL

I say we let’im have a shot.

HC

Ok kid, you got thirty minutes — go work your magic.

CC

Oh boy, oh you bet I’ll make magic! Be right back guys! [skates off happy, like a little boy]

[fades out; we then hear beachy sounds, crowded restaurant sounds, etc.]

DT

You did it, you really did it!

PL

So proud’a’ya kid!

HC

Yes, yes he did! We sold six-hundred pies in less than six hours! We made even more because they bought slices and whole pies! This is just the best summer ever! [pats CC on back] But you really did it, you really packed’em in.

CC [eating an ice cream sundae]

Aww, shucks! All I did was close the outgoing Atlantic-City bridge for the rest of the afternoon. Now, nobody can get out. They all ate most of their coolers, the kids wanna get outta the car. [pauses] But it wasn’t all me!

DT

Look at you kid, giving thanks to my African-American over here! Herman, he’s right, your nine-ninety-nine walk-in special…

HC

…my nine-nine-nine plan for a large, plain, takeout pie has really bumped up sales.  

CC [eating a whole pizza]

Hey, come on team! Let’s have a group hug!

PL

Aww, well, sure, why not! I’ve never hugged a colored! Come on guys!

[they all gather for a group hug, more beachy music comes on, or the Golden Girls theme song]

THE END.

 

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